Why I Need a Government Bailout

To: Henry Paulson, Bailout Decider, U.S. Treasury

CC: Ben Bernanke, Bailout Buddha, Federal Reserve

CC: Tim Geithner, Bailout Inheritor, Obama Administration

CC: Santa Claus, just in case

Dear Sirs: Please be advised that I am changing my status from ordinary American consumer [OAC] to bank-holding company [BHC] in order to qualify for funds from the government’s Troubled Assets Relief Program. Since I couldn’t find the official application form, I’ve listed my qualifications below:

1. I qualify as a bank-holding company for the following reasons:

My balance sheet is a wreck.

I have posted a sign in front of my house that says “Newman Bank.”

I don’t actually lend money to anybody.

I can certify that I do not employ any unionized workers, only an illegal immigrant, occasionally. And I make her dress nice.

2. I have troubled assets. To wit:

My home. I suspect that other people in my neighborhood have received some kind of mortgage relief, even though I haven’t. This troubles me. If they've gotten something free from the government, then I should, too.

My car. I have a car loan and if I refuse to repay it, the bank will seize my car. Thus my car qualifies as a collateralized debt obligation [CDO] and is therefore eligible for relief under the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 [EESA], specifically, the well-known “Citigroup (C) provision,” which stipulates that if I say so, you have to believe me.

My 401(k). The trouble is, it’s hard to call it an asset anymore.

3. Terms of the Bailout:

I’m asking for such a small amount of the TARP funds that nobody will notice. I figure $3 million ought to be enough. If not, I could probably make due with $2 million.

These will be low-interest government loans, at the prevailing rate, which I notice is getting close to zero. I reserve the right, at some point in the future, to invoke the “AIG clause” of the EESA by asking the government to lower the rate on the loans, to less than zero in this case, so that the government is actually paying me to take its money.

In exchange for TARP funds, I hereby grant the U.S. government limited ownership rights to the property on which Newman Bank is domiciled, specifically the driveway. It needs shoveled, so please send somebody over.

I will set an example by refusing to use TARP funds to fly the corporate jet. First-class commercial travel will be fine.

4. It is in the nation’s interest to bail me out.

No promises, but I might use the bailout money to stimulate the economy by loaning money to friends or family members so they can buy Twinkies and Marlboros. I won’t just give them the money, because that would be socialism. Instead, I’ll insist they pay back the loans at a higher interest rate than the government is charging me, so that I can make a few bucks on the deal and stimulate the economy even more. The American taxpayer will enjoy a multiplier effect!

If I don’t get a bailout, it won’t be just me who suffers. It will be approximately 49,642 other Americans who rely on me for restaurant tips, barbershop fees, positive reinforcement and blog entries. It will be catastrophic if the government fails to help them by turning down my bailout request.

Without bailout funds, I will be forced to make irrational decisions that will irreparably harm the economy.

This is no time to quibble over a few million dollars. It’s a time to show leadership and act. So come on, give me some money.

Disclosure: no positions.

Comments

[rh13:]

Every salesman sells a story. Good story.

2008 Dec 17 02:04 PM

[herbert hoover:]

Are you a friend of Hank Paulson's? That's the only basis for making the bailout decision.

2008 Dec 17 02:05 PM

[farmer448:]

Dear Newman Bank

Your request for 2-3 million was adjusted to 300 million.

Happy New Year
Henry

2008 Dec 17 02:10 PM

[User 296788:]

Good Point! I have always felt that the Gov't should give every person in the U.S. 1 million dollars for relief. Just think what it would do for the economy, What a boost. It wouldn't cost us 700 billion dollars either,

2008 Dec 17 02:15 PM

[mrbama9:]

No it would cost 350 trillion+.

2008 Dec 17 02:52 PM

[James Wilson:]

You need a bailout because the NEOCON ARTISTS have relaxed the rules or will not enforce the laws so the the THEIFS have the keys to the bank.

2008 Dec 17 02:54 PM

[punk_ash:]

Its not funny. There was no other option but a bailout. I will rather never be in a position of a Bailout, people who get bailed out are mostly foolish and the ways of the world does not forgive foolishness.

2008 Dec 17 03:00 PM

[billddrummer:]

Mr. Newman,

May I borrow the verbiage for my own bailout letter?

Great satire, by the way!

2008 Dec 17 03:33 PM

[Jimmy Lathrop:]

I need the bailout to make up for losing all of my inherited money from a guy called Bernie. Waaah!

2008 Dec 17 05:52 PM

[k9s-4-k8:]

If having a balance sheet that's a wreck would qualify, GMAC wouldn't need to raise capital to qualify as a bank holding company. They're still seeking more bondholders who would be willing to convert to preferred and a lesser amount of debt. Perhaps, if you can convince your mortgage company to accept this you can qualify but I think the mortgage bailout is a better option for those mortgage holders that qualify. Nothing like forgiving part of the debt, lowering the interest rate and not needing to offer any preferred stock or other consideration.

2008 Dec 18 10:35 AM

[sumosama:]

LOL! Thanks for the holiday cheer and smile. I need it!!!

2008 Dec 18 11:51 AM

[Jade Queen:]

I am trying to start a very important blogging business creating cross-over good feelings between right fringies and left fringies. The left ones are all really cute vegan-activist cheerleading women who are upset about animal-eating but scared of guns. The right ones are fundamentalist second-amendment true believers. I need a billion, but I might be willing to settle for slightly less.

Thanks for the posting that prompted my personally slanted riff. I needed that. Cheers.

2008 Dec 18 11:13 PM

[EDWARD FRIAS:]

IVE HAD TIME TO THINK SINCE IVE BEEN LAID OFF AND WAS THINKING THE SAME TO OPEN A BANK TO GET BAILOUT MONEY AND THEN LEND IT TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEED IT IVE BEEN LAID OFF & IM 2 MONTHS BEHIND ON MY MORTGAGE.CANT GET NO HELP I HAVE A BUISNESS IDEA CANT GET A LOAN SO SOON ILL LOOSE MY HOME.EVERYONE LAID OFF & IN TROUBLE SHOULD MARCH TO THE WHITEHOUSE AND CAMP OUT UNTIL THEY HELP THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEED IT!

2008 Dec 30 03:40 PM

[Sun Devil:]

I need a $2 million bailout "loan" so I can go to the tropics and get a good tan. Then I can apply for a "person of color" $10 million bailout "loan" as a stressed minority. I will need staff of course and plan to interview as many hotties as possible to see if they meet my qualifications. I want to give back to the community and they need my help and guidance. I will also go to as many courtside or luxury suite NBA and NFL games as I can manage from my busy schedule to schmooze with my homies on business deals and further stimulate my economy. I am not a greedy b*ast*rd like those who ask for a billion or more with no plans to redistribute the money back to the people.
.
Send me the money!!!!!!!!!!

Feb 18 06:52 AM