Financial Markets: An Apology

In common with other media outlets, we may have given the impression in recent months that we held a negative opinion of the prospects for global financial markets. As well, we may have suggested that certain individuals—including, but not limited to, Sir Henry Paulson, Lord Lloyd Blankfein, ‘Tricky’ Dick Foolled, Earl James E. Cayne, Capo di tutti Capo James ‘Five Times’ Dimon, and Baron Kevin ‘Cappuccino’ Davis—might have been less than entirely forthcoming in various matters relating to both the financial condition of their enterprises, and related exposure to various alleged risks.

Headlines such as ‘Lehman: Man bites dog latest,’ ‘Crack prices plunge—Fred Reserve,’ ‘The trouble with having three heads,’ ‘Classic Cappuccino Man,’ and ‘Fed raises collateral standards’ may have contributed to this unfortunate misunderstanding.

We now realize that there was not a jot or scintilla of truth in any of the above and that the bottom is in, we are nearer the end than the beginning, values are compelling at these levels, readings on core inflation have improved somewhat, and that purely temporary mark-to-market losses are a healthy sign of delevering and the necessary repricing of risk. The aforementioned gentlemen represent the pinnacle of financial achievement, and are comparable to Alan Greenspan, Robert Merton, Paul Eustace, Victor Niederhoffer and John Meriwether rolled into one transcendent genius of our age. Or, as the relevant deity is known in the Hindu pantheon, “Vikram Pandit.”

We apologize unreservedly for any distress caused by our earlier reports.

Paulson Says US Credit-Market Crisis Is ‘Closer to the End’
by Peter Cook and John Brinsley [Dudley Moore, surely?—Ed]
Bloomberg May 1 2008

Brighter crunch picture weakens rate cut hopes
by Nick Hasell
The Times May 1 2008

FDIC wants US aid to pay down risky loans
by John Poirier and Al Yoon
Reuters May 1 2008

(Knocked off from an idea by Private Eye)

Comments

[MuddlingInvestor]

Why did you posted it May 1? It should've been posted a month before...

[Gross Bill]

My side hurts from laughing.

[ponchovilla]

It's fun to smile. We need another truckload of snake oil. Sales are booming.

[tclwrap]

this by far should take any credibility you may have had out the window.
Good job! Last article I read from you for sure...