'Hamerin' Hank May Be Out of Hits

Those Bulls, so used to winning last year, can't catch a break. Management is pulling out all the stops to seize the momentum, but to no avail.

Four times this season, seldom used Bulls pinch hitter 'Bench' Bernanke was called in. Four times he delivered hits for his team (75bp Jan 22, 50bp Jan 30, 75bp Mar 18, 25bp Apr 30).

Batting cleanup this year, and sucking up most of the team payroll, is last year's MVP, 'Hammerin' Hank Paulson.

Bench and Hank have stepped up big time this season when the team's bats had grown cold. After 'Old Man' Bear Stearns took a fast ball to the noggin in March, their clutch play had fans celebrating for the better part of two months. In late May bats grew cold once again. The next month Bench was called in to deliver another timely hit, but he refused to face the pitcher. Bench's slugging days were over, but he stayed on to rake the field, cut the grass and grease the skids.

Bats again grew cold and losses added up. During the All-Star break, Hank worked with the slumping GSE twins 'Fast' Freddie (FRE) and 'Four Eyes' Fannie (FNM). But try as he might, the twins responded only briefly before falling back to their old bad habits.

On the first Sunday in September, Hank hit upon an idea. He would put himself into the lineup for Bench, Fast and Four Eyes. Sure that used to be illegal, but the clever Hank had the Commish change the rules in July. Despite Hank's best efforts, the team was only able to put together one win.

On Tuesday, the Bulls were blown out of the park. With the season far from over, the bleachers are empty, and fans are few and far between in the grandstands. The loudspeakers have stopped playing the rousing Bulls theme song, 'Don't Fight the Fed'. Meanwhile, across the field a tiny Bears pep band is teasing the faithful with their tune, 'Don't Fight the Tape'.