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Nawar Alsaadi
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Nawar Alsaadi is an independent investor with a background in finance & marketing; his investment philosophy is focused on value growth or special situation investing based on profiting from dislocation in assets prices caused by behavioural factors. He is also interested in the financial... More
  • Goldman Launching CROs (Collateralized Religious Obligations) 2 comments
    Apr 1, 2012 6:57 PM | about stocks: GS, MCO, AIG

    In a new twist in the Goldman Sachs fraud allegations and in an effort to safeguard its business and generate new revenues, Goldman Sachs (NYSE:GS) is officially launching its Collateralized Religious Obligations (CROs) product , a CRO is based on a complex mathematical formula to slice and dice existing religions and package them into a new offering.

    "One reason we have developed this product is due to the evolving nature of the religious market" states David A. Viniar, Goldman Sachs CFO, Mr. Viniar added "Muslims and Jews are tired of not being able to eat pork, thus we developed a CRO where the Judaism and Islam none-pork eating component is stripped and replaced with a God approved pork eating component from Christianity, thus allowing Muslims and Jews to eat pork without violating God's wishes"; it is a win - win situation.

    Mr. Ahmed Misdar the Imam at AL-Azhar, one of Islam's greatest religious learning centers based in Cairo informed Reuters "We never knew how to deal with Islam restrictions before Goldman's CROs; today if you need a fatwa modified to fit your lifestyle, you can call Goldman, they will custom make you the product and find you a buyer on the hell side of the trade".

    Immediately after the announcement S&P rated the product Triple Cross, Moody's (NYSE:MCO) gave it a Triple Crescent rating, while stating that it is "virtually hell proof". In addition the Vatican in partnership with AIG (NYSE:AIG) have started to sell Heaven Default Swaps (NASDAQ:HDS) on all Goldman Sach's issued CROs.

    However, due to the current Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDOs) debacle, rumours quickly spread that Goldman is offering CROs handpicked by Satan, and has been shorting the product outright, by buying HDSs from the Vatican and AIG.

    Mr. Lloyd Blankfein quickly denied those allegations, he stated "Goldman is only market making between heaven and hell, just as God does", he then added "Does God ever disclose on which side of the trade he is?".

    Nawar Alsaadi, reporting live from Goldman Sachs New York head quarters

    Disclosure: No positions
    Stocks: GS, MCO, AIG
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Comments (2)
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  • Darren Reid
    , contributor
    Comment (1) | Send Message
     
    In my view if you want to avoid being on the hell side of the CRO trade, embrace Christian doctrine~ the 10 Commandments stand as moral law, not a bad step to embrace Leviticus :11. So.... that said one is in good shape. Now the question is strategic PUT options... hmmm?
    2 May 2010, 03:14 PM Reply Like
  • SMaturin
    , contributor
    Comments (2268) | Send Message
     
    Blankenstein and the zombie banks. Still doing God's work.

     

    Thanks Nawar, for a delightful 4/1 post.
    1 Apr 2012, 04:07 PM Reply Like
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