With little macro data out today, the big news in the market is that HP CEO Mark Hurd resigned due to a sexual harrassment discrimination suit that seemed to involve less sex than Bill Clinton's bedroom (that is when Hillary is sleeping there). Apparently Hurd hid business expenses when taking out a MILF/GMILF named Jodie Fisher who has starred in such films as “Intimate Obsession,” “Body of Influence 2” and “Steamy Cleveland Nights" (and only one of those 3 is made up). Basically, Hurd hired Fisher to run some BS PR events and then took her to dinner afterwards because apparently he is either a big fan of the skinema and wanted to talk to her about her acting influences, or he is a lonely married guy who just happens not to know how to spend the $33MM he made last year (hint Mr. Hurd, if you're going to wine and dine a lady, how about finding someone younger than 50 who is not going to sue you for inappropriate touching?).
Anyway, Fisher claims that at no point did Hurd try to put his ink cartridge in her printer (though her statement came after she reached a monetary settlement with him, so buyer beware) and HP found he did not break any of the company's sexual harassment rules, but he did violate their ethics standard by paying Ms. Fisher $20k for no "legitimate reason" (unless wanting to get some stank on your hanglow is a legitimate reason) and then lying about it on his expense report.
This of course raises the question, if he didn't break HP's sexual harassment rules, why the fuck would he have to pay Ms. Fisher any type of settlement? Either HP's sexual harassment rules are laxer than Heidi Fleiss', or we are getting only the half of the story about which no one cares. Honestly, the story seems fishier than Portia Di Rossi's breath in the morning but whatever happened, it's likely more of a blow for HP than it was for Mark Hurd (rim shot please). Hurd will get a ~$35MM exit package which is the biggest package since Whitezilla hit the scene and now HP will have to find a way to replace the guy who turned them around from a crappy company that sold shitty printers and computers to a good company that sold more shitty printers and computers. Without his leadership, it is unclear if HP can keep their strategy afloat and the company sold off 10% on Friday after the news.
That said, there is a dearth of macro news today as the market awaits the Fed's statement tomorrow where investors will hang on every word by Ben Bernanke as if he were Amber Lancaster and the word was "enter." The consensus is that the Fed will change very little in their approach to the economy although a growing segment thinks the Fed may undertake more quantitative easing to help spur the economy from it's current malaise (or whatever is slightly worse than malaise, like death or Kathy Griffin's face). The "hot idea" is that the Fed may buy more mortgage backed securities or Treasuries in order to get more liquidity in to the markets while the "hotter idea" is a Maria Bartiromo-Amanda Drury threesome. Money McBags would not be shocked by the Fed doing something to try to stimulate the markets (whether it's growing their balance sheet or showing the market Heather Vandeven films, he's not sure) as we are at another inflection point where macro data is lagging the market's run and eventually the decoupling will re-couple so unless the macro data can be turned around, the market will likely come back.
In other market news, HP wasn't the only one to announce executive...READ MUCH MUCH MORE...
Disclosure: Long AAPL