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Staying Out Of Trouble In The "Spin Zone".

Dec. 19, 2014 4:15 AM ET
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I once rode a spinning carnival ride where the floor drops out and centrifugl force presses you against the wall so hard that you don't fall out. I was 35 pounds heavier then and could feel myself slipping down toward the stationary steel leg, hip, and spine crushing structure. They evidently did not hear me screaming, and my chest and heart hurt for several weeks afterward. I read and believed - and almost died. It's sort of like self-inflicted waterboarding

I avoid prostitutes - which are essentially commodity brokers who can ruin you. I have no experience, but I feel certain that I am correct. I take this on faith. I have a cat that chased the dot of my green laser pointer behind the TV. I deceived the cat who believes there is a green lurking thing there.

At the UT College ofArchitecture 1974 we studied the World Trade Center's ultra light structural system hung from a central core. The system was amazing but all of the lease space was cantilevered off a load bearing core. Anyone with a basic understanding of physics and architecture could figure out that destroying part of the core would start a chain reaction, yet I read this stuff about flying bombs and explosives planed in the buildings. Really? All the Jews employed in the building were absent that day? Really?

There is a Ms Kramer who explains to me frequently that simply signing on will make it possible to earn a 4,613% return on $63.19. I have till Friday - actually till Sunday or Monday or Thursday. Actually a week later - today - the time is about to run out. I wonder what I'll do the next time someone screams FORE! or DUCK!

Then there is a guy at a big Wall Street bank who sits around formulating with an abacus, strumming the lute (loot?), and likely spanking his misbehaving monkey. This guy has begun to believe his own BS and is trying to dig out from a short after unexpectedly high earnings reports trigger three days of nice increases. I'm up $2000. Then he explains how investors misread the doomsday signals and I'm suddenly down $2500. Now everybody is talking and the stock recovers up $2800. Sure is a bunch of BS for $300.

Basically I bounce back and forth between my Schwab Streetsmart and emailed URL's demonstrating a sunburned large manwaterskiing behind a revolving trackhoe bucket, and a teenage girl bungee slung 300 feet out of the back of Toyota pickup. Then my portfolios start tanking; I panic: The phone rings "Hello this is Sheldon" - "Hey little brother - did you see on CNN the the world has caught on fire and we're all gonna die?" - "Really - maybe that's why I was up $5000 and now I'm down $8000." - "Really Sheldon turn on CNN."

Well - there they are gorgeous, erotic mature Cougars spinning cowpies into everything from unwashed loin cloths and sheer silk halter tops. Somebody farts or hiccups costing the economy 15 billion dollars in 3 seconds. I change channels. There are more cougars. As they nod, I nod with them; they must be delicious and very smart. I no longer yearn for Huntley and Brinkley.

So now I know why the market went to hell today; after the break we return to the interview of Professor Winklehoff's car engine running on tap water. Too boring - so we go down a few channels to discover Kate has worn a designer "moo moo" a second time and dissapointed school girls who were expecting a REAL (animated) princess. Okay lets go up a few channels. Whoa - one of those Flir night vision images of an attack on ISIS!? An F16 has destroyed a discarded Toyota pickup (not the teenage bungee...) with a $400,000 smart bomb!

By the end of the day I've accepted whatever has happened. I'm down $10,000 but it'll come back. 5 years ago if I had lost $10,00o on paper (or a monitor)in 3 hours I would have dropped dead smouldering. I did get to see Robin Meade being perfectly groomed as well as a middle age man accidentally run a skate board into a parking garage stairwell.

I stuck to the game plan, enjoyed the free entertainment, managed my chores and business obligations. I was not just sitting at the computer; I even made my weekly produce run to Sprouts - which I patially own. So I did not get a flatspot on either butt cheek, eliminated well and watched my salt and sugar intake. In simpler terms: I stayed out of trouble..

Analyst's Disclosure: The author is long F, GE, AAL, DAL, GERN, DX, TSLA.

This article is an attempt to characterize my typical day managing 60+ equities in 5 different accounts. It may not be pretty, but it is what it is. Based on Schwabs analysis, my portfolio is not classifiable.

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