williambanzai7

Kicking People Out - Cramer's Stop Trading! (9/24/08)

Bush Bailout Rising
(to the melody of Bad Moon Rising
Creedance Clearwater Revival)
Adapted by WilliamBanzai7)

I see a a Bush Bailout arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see fiscal earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad economic times today.

Chorus:
Dont listen to Hank n Ben tonight,
Well, its bound to take your net worth's life,
There's a bailout on the rise.

I hear deficit hurricanes a blowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers of debt over flowing.
I hear the taxpayer voice of rage and ruin.

Chorus
Dont listen to Hank n Ben tonight,
Well, its bound to take your net worths life,
There's a bailout on the rise.

Hope you got your assets n things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty market weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

Paulson/Bernanke: $700 Billion at 'Hold to Maturity' Pricing

DRAFT NO. 1
U.S. Treasury
Office of Sekretary Henry (Hank) Paulson

LEGISLATIVE PROPOSAL FOR TREASURY AUTHORITY
TO PURCHASE TOXIC FINANCIAL ASSETS

Sec. 1. Short Title.

This Act may be cited as "Taxpayer networth annihilation and Investment banking wealth Recovery Plan" ("TwIRP") .

Sec. 2. Purchases of Toxic Assets.

(a) Authority to Purchase. – The Sekretary is authorized to purchase, and to make and fund commitments to purchase, on such terms and conditions as determined by the Sekretary in his sole, absolute, divine and knowing discretion, any and all manner of Toxic Assets from any Financial Institution, as those terms are defined in section 13 of the Act.

(b) Necessary Actions. – The Sekretary is authorized to take such actions as the Sekretary deems necessary to carry out the authorities in this Act, including, without limitation:

(1) appointing such employees and hiring konsultants (da Konsultanz with a K), unemployed investment bankers and advisors as may be required to carry out the authorities in this Act and defining their duties;

(2) entering into contracts, MOUs, LOIs, including lucrative contracts for investment banking and financial advisory services for the management of Toxic Assets;

(3) designating Financial Institutions as financial agents, revenue collectors, purchasing agents and proxies of the Government, and they shall perform all such reasonable duties related to this Act as financial agents and proxies of the Government as they deem fit in their sole and absolute discretion;

(4) establishing vehicles, including offshore SPIVs and conduits, pyramids and highly leveraged PONZI structures that are authorized, subject to new ideas by the Secretaries quantitative engineer, to purchase Toxic Assets and issue open ended obligations;

(5) directly and indirectly, granting bonuses, equity kickers, management fees, performance fees, restructuring fees, brokerage commissions, finders fees, entertainment accounts, unemployment compensation and other compensation arrangements; and

(5) formulating such regulations, fine print, boilerplate, standard terms, ISDA riders and other terms as may be necessary or appropriate to define terms or carry out the authorities of this Act.

Sec. 3. Considerations.

In exercising the authorities granted in this Act, the Sekretary shall take into consideration means for –

(1) Reinstating Wall Street investment bankers into the financial pecking order of society;

(2) shafting the taxpayers; and

(3) appropriate steps to paper over any conflicts of interest in the hiring of Wall Street contractors or advisors. Any regulation issued under this authority shall not be subject to the rest of the United States Code.

Only to the extent reasonably feasible, the Secretary shall attempt to provide stability or prevent corruption in the financial markets or banking system;

Sec. 4. Reports to Congress.

Within three months of the first exercise of the authority granted in section 2(a), and semiannually thereafter, the Sekretary shall only if feasible, attempt to report to the Committees on the Budget, Financial Services, and Ways and Means of the House of Representatives and the Committees on the Budget, Finance, and Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs of the Senate with respect to the authorities exercised under this Act and the considerations required by section 3.

Sec. 5. Rights; Management; Sale of Troubled Assets.

(a) Exercise of Rights. – The Secretary may, at any time, in his sole, absulute, reasonable or unreasonable, divinely inspired discretion, exercise any rights received in connection with Toxic Assets purchased under this Act.

(b) Management of Toxic Assets. – The Secretary shall have authority to manage, securitize and repackage Toxic Assets purchased under this Act, including conjuring revenues and engineering away all portfolio risks therefrom.

(c) Sale of Toxic Assets. – The Sekretary may, at any time, any place, to anyone, upon terms and conditions and at prices determined by the Secretary in his sole and absolute divine discretion, sell, or enter into securitiised loans, CDOs, CDSs, kickers, participations, synthetic securities, repurchase transactions, black holes or other financial weapons of mass destruction in regard to, any asset purchased under this Act.

(d) Application of Sunset to Toxic Assets. – The authority of the Sekretary to hold any Toxic mortgage-related asset purchased under this Act before the termination date in section 9, or to purchase or fund the purchase of a mortgage-related asset under a commitment entered into before the termination date in section 9, is not subject to the provisions of section 9.

Sec. 6. Maximum Amount of Authorized Purchases.

The Sekretary's authority to purchase Troubled Assets under this Act shall be unlimited, but for optical puroses shall be expressed as $700,000,000,000,000,0... outstanding at any one time.

Sec. 7. Funding.

For the purpose of the authorities granted in this Act, and for the costs of administering those authorities, the Sekretary may use the proceeds of the sale of any securities issued under chapter 31 of title 31, United States Code, and the purposes for which securities may be issued under chapter 31 of title 31, United States Code, are extended to include actions authorized by this Act, including the payment of administrative expenses. Any funds expended for actions authorized by this Act, including the payment of administrative expenses, shall be deemed appropriated at the time of such expenditure.

Sec. 8. Review.

Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are absolutely non-reviewable and committed to absolute agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law, any administrative agency, any Congressional Committee, media, newspaper or press or other divine authority.

Sec. 9. Termination of Authority.

The authorities under this Act, with the exception of authorities granted in sections 2(b)(5), 5 and 7, shall be in perpetuity.

Sec. 10. Increase in Statutory Limit on the Public Debt.

Subsection (b) of section 3101 of title 31, United States Code, is amended by striking out the dollar limitation contained in such subsection and inserting in lieu thereof "such amount as is determined under Section 6.

Sec. 11. Credit Reform.

The costs of purchases of Troubled Assets made under section 2(a) of this Act shall be determined only if feasible and if we have more time.

Sec. 12. Indemnification and Release.

No consultant, agent, employee or other firm engaged pursuant to this Act shall be held accountable for negligence or shabby performance, including in particular, service and performance
in a grossly negligent and reckless manner. Such parties shall be fully indemnified with the full faith and credit of the USA.

Section 13. Definitions.

For purposes of this Act, the following definitions shall apply:

(1) Financial Institution. – The term "Financial Institutions" means any institution including, but not limited to, banks, thrifts, credit unions, broker-dealers, and insurance companies, having significant operations in the United States; and, upon the Sekretary's determination perhaps in consultation with the Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve, any other institution he determines necessary to promote financial market stability. For the avoidance of doubt, the term shall include Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley and any spin off, successor or surviving entity.

(2) Secretary. – The term "Sekretary" means the "Hank" Paulson and his heirs and or Phil Gramm.

(3) Toxic Assets. – The term "Toxic Assets" means residential or commercial mortgages and any securities, obligations, or other instruments that are based on or related to such mortgages, that in each case was originated or issued on or before September 17, 2008; and, upon the determination of the Sekretary perhaps in consultation with the Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve, any other financial WMD, as he determines necessary to promote the strength of Wall Street; including without limitation, leveraged buyout credits, prime brokerage margin credits and and all CDS counter party liability.

(4) Black Scholes Formula.-- A term utilized to convince the cynics and skeptics that we know what we are doing.

(5) LTCM. A previous financial disaster that would have led to financial meltdown. Discounted by the regulatory authorities as a 1000 year aberation.

(6) Alan Greenspan. A once in a 1000 year goofball.

(7) George Bush. A circus clown who lives in the White House.

(8) SEC. Somebody please Eject Cox.

(9) 2 Big 2 Fail. 2 Stupid 2 Survive.

(8) United States. – The term "United States and USA" means the United Socialistic American States, territories, and possessions of the United States, Wall Street, East Hampton, Nantucket and the District of Columbia.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE, HEAR YE, may it be known by all thee present, that this TwIRP is hereby declared the law of the land.