I spent five years maneuvering to land, by hook or by crook, a coveted position in private equity. After all that, I may or may not live long enough to actually regret my decision. After undergrad and then five sunless years inside one or another of several ivy encrusted red brick buildings (hereinafter "The University"), "Equity Private" holds BA, MA and MBA degrees from institutions of higher learning with endowments larger than the GDP of many countries. Somehow they still manage to annually pester our author for cash gifts of all sizes. Though, in truth, the author showed little early promise in the world of high finance, though a strange and unlikely chain of nevertheless interconnected events, "Equity Private" was recently named "Vice President" of a middle market leveraged buyout firm in Manhattan. Somewhere, somehow, someone must have made a very serious, and potentially very costly, mistake. Let's just hope their error is not discovered too quickly.