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The Unemployed Shareholder and the Four Bears

“The Unemployed Shareholder and the Four Bears”


A little market entertainment for you…..

The Unemployed Shareholder and the Four Bears

By Akram Annous

With his portfolio plummeting the ‘Unemployed Shareholder’ decided to leap into action. No, he’s not getting a Job!! Instead, he has decided to obtain a CFA so he can better manage the shares he intends to live off for the rest of his life.

On a study break, he has joined the Four Bears at their favorite watering hole ‘The End of the Earth’ for a drink and hopefully some precious market insight…..


Your Characters:

The Bond King- Managing Director of New Normal Investments …The Universe’s Largest Bond Fund

The Black Swan- Lebanese Philosopher Extraordinaire, and EEE( Extreme Events Expert)

Dr. Boom Doom- Asian based Market Master and C.B.A- Central Bank Antagonist

Dr. Doom- Economic Mastermind and Crash Predictor

The Unemployed Shareholder- Mysterious byproduct of capitalistic failures…still not sure what he stands for

Inside your local pub…. The End of the World……..

The Black Swan: Hey King, what you drinking?

The Bond King: The usual, you know, what I normally get.

Black Swan: It’s been a while I don’t remember, what goes in that drink of yours, three or four shots of tequila? Wait, are we talking ‘new normal’ or ‘old normal’ here?

Unemployed Shareholder: What’s the difference?

Dr. Doom: Well, the ‘new normal’ is well let’s just say less…

Bond King: Yes, Dr. Doom is right, the ‘new normal’ is less, but for me less equals more. So, I am still on the ‘old normal’ when it comes to my drinks. I’ll take four shots, it’s been a hell of a week.

Unemployed Shareholder: It sure has. What do you guys think of this euro package and the market reaction?

Dr. Boom Doom: Well, as you know you have a money printer over in the fed. You have another one in the BOE. And a third one in Japan. Now, they have been joined by this new printer in Europe.

The Bond king: Well, let’s be clear. The Ecb intends to sterilize their government bond purchases. So, we are not yet at Qe Dr. Doom.

Dr. Boom Doom: It’s Dr. Boom Doom. He’s Dr. Doom, not me. And yes that is what the money printer is saying, but that is not what he will be doing. I don’t trust money printers, and neither should you. Buy some agricultural commodities and some gold, but don’t go too crazy on the gold right now as it’s overbought. I also wouldn’t outright short equity markets here as we are a little oversold, but I’d sell the rallies and consider shorting at higher levels.

Unemployed Shareholder: Dr. Doom care to comment?

Dr. Doom: Sure, Dr. Boom Doom is correct, I am just plain Dr. Doom. But there is a good story behind that. We were both in Thailand a few years back, we were younger then, and market optimism left is with a lot of spare time on our hands. Anyway, we were having a couple of drinks when Dr. Doom turned to me, he was called Dr. Doom at the time, and said………

Unemployed Shareholder: Umm, Dr. Doom, we wanted to know your thoughts on markets.

Dr. Doom: (lol) Ah, I see. Right…..Well, your loss. I was going to tell you the story behind the boom in boom doom. Suffice to say, since that day, I became Dr. Doom and he became Dr. Boom Doom. As for markets, it’s really quite simple, the debt in the system is the problem. Europe is going to try massive fiscal consolidation. Can the population handle it? I don’t know. I think the Ecb needs to be more proactive or we will have outright deflation. My friend Dr. Boom doesn’t like money printers, but I have learned to live with them. The Ecb needs to follow the fed…

Waitress: Umm, Dr. Doom, sorry to interrupt, what kind of dip would you like with your wings?

Dr. Doom: Blue cheese is fine.

Black Swan: A single Dip Doom, no Double Dip? What’s gotten into you lately?

Dr. Doom: Leave it to the Swan to pick on me. Yes, no double dip. What are your thoughts Swan?

Unemployed Shareholder: Yes, Mr. Swan. We have not heard your thoughts on all of this.

Black Swan: Well it’s really simple.  See this glass that I am holding (Swan holds up his glass). It’s really fragile….right?

Unemployed Shareholder: Ok?? So?? How does that explain the market move on May 6th?

Black Swan: Well…( Swan drops the glass and it shatters on the floor). Fragile things can shatter!!

Dr. Doom: Damn it Swan!! Did you have to do that? Now that poor girl has to clean up your mess. I can’t take you anywhere. And they say you Lebanese guys are smooth.

Unemployed Shareholder: Yea, and I don’t understand what that has to do with markets.

Black Swan: Well, again it is really simple. Did you know I was going to drop the glass?

Unemployed Shareholder :No

Black Swan: Precisely, my dropping of the glass was a completely random act. I didn’t even know I was going to do it. But the glass still shattered because it was fragile. You were Fooled by Randomness. Fragility and Randomness my friends…..they explain everything!!!!

Bond King: Hey, isn’t that the ‘Big Shot’ over there interviewing that guy….

Unemployed Shareholder: You mean The Big Short?

Black Swan: Yea, that’s him, he was in my blind spot when I was driving to work this morning.

Unemployed Shareholder: You mean The Blind Side.

Dr. Boom Doom: Whose that? the money printer?

Unemployed Shareholder: You mean MoneyBall!!!!!

Dr. Doom: Yea, that guy lies every time he plays poker.

Unemployed Shareholder: Come on, am I taking crazy pills? The book was Liar’s Poker. What’s wrong with you guys that’s Michael….

Dr. Doom: Book? What the heck are you talking about? This guy bluffs every time he plays Texas Hold’em.

Bond King: Wait a second. Is he interviewing the Man in Black?

Black Swan: The Man in Black? King have you lost your mind?

Bond King: Sorry, I’ve been watching way too much Lost lately. It’s just that with me being a credit guy and all….. with no exposure to Europe or equities, the markets have been so boring lately, and Lost is getting oh so interesting. I need to know what the source is.

Dr. Doom: That’s not the Man in Black. That’s ChaTos!!

Unemployed Shareholder: The Enron Guy?

Bond King: Yea! And he’s eating Chinese food.

Dr Boom Doom: Jimmy is that you back there?

ChaTos: Yea, it’s me……

Dr. Boom Doom: What the hell are you doing dressed like that?

ChaTos: Sorry guys, I’m a sucker for some good orange chicken, but ever since I went bearish on China all the takeout places won’t deliver to me. I’m trying to keep a low profile.

Bond King: Well, that’s what happens when you short 1.2 billion people. Word gets around fast.

ChaTos: Yea, I know. I’m used to the backlash that comes with shorting anything by now. When I shorted Enron, they tried to cut off my power. But I expected nothing less from them, this Chinese food ban kind of hurts my feelings. I am doing them a favor. By the way, is that the unemployed shareholder I see sitting with you guys?

Dr. Doom: Yea, that’s him

ChaTos: What’s he doing here?

Bond King: He’s on a CFA study break.

ChaTos: Unbelievable, this guy will do anything not to work. He should become an economist. Could you get a job already!!!

Unemployed Shareholder: (on the phone) sell 200 shares apple at market and transfer the funds to my checking account. Buy me 1000 shares of BP at mkt. Pick me up some euro contracts limit 1.23. Route all orders through my guy at the squid…. thanks …..(off the phone) You were saying?

…..meanwhile somewhere deep inside the black box Hal 9000, which has been offline since the Smartest Guy in the Room shut him down on may6th(sometime between 2:40-3:00pm est), has started to stir…..

Hal 9000: Alternate power source obtained. Rebooting all systems. Running diagnostics……………

Previous power drain accelerated by Adobe Flash.

Steve Jobs was correct.

Removing all adobe software.

Shifting to more stable Apple OS.

Re-establishing link to all markets. ….Logging into the App store…Downloading Terminate Euro Shorts App…. Downloading Crash the Yen protocol….. ….loading fiscal consolidation in U.S.A App… disabling unemployed shareholders iphone

Unemployed Shareholder: HAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Be Continued……

(NOTE: The characters and content of this EMAIL are purely fictional, although in some instances they may refer or represent people or places that have influenced the author in some way, any resemblance to actual person or places, living or otherwise, is purely coincident