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When I saw the story last night that Dick Cheney was recovering from heart surgery, my first thought was “That motherfucker actually has a heart?” I guess I was wrong he does have a heart.

His heart was just 3 sizes too small. It is even hard to see on x-rays.

They actually had to install a new heart valve to keep it ticking. He will do anything to keep from taking his rightful place in Hades. Since no one was willing to donate the valve for his surgery, he snuck into the house of Cindy Lou Hoo who was barely two. He convinced her to leave the house and go out into a field.

Then he called in a predator drone who fired a few missiles and took care of little Cindy Lou Hoo. They were able to extract the valve from her tiny little heart and it was a perfect match for old Dick. Cheney referred to the now deceased Cindy Lou Hoo as collateral damage.