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Black Dinosaur Speaks. Caps Mortgage Losses at $5 Trillion.

 
Here’s a little flower for your lapel. Five trillion dollars of mortgages in the United States will be unsecured loans by the end of this year. For proof, please review the chart below titled “Plan Orange for Mortgages”. Do any second generation Wall Street math geniuses have performance distribution characteristics describing this true geek-show in our global financial circus?
 
 http://www.thenewmortgagecompany.com/articles/Plan_Orange_Graphic_6_11.jpg 
 
 
My guess is you probably already have the data. Check your Excel file for the “both ways” data: Secured and Unsecured. Be warned that this hybrid may break your calculator. Check also on your computer for the study in the folder marked “yellow-red-blue Martians”. If it’s not there, check one other place you might find it: Find your file folder titled “Elvis Back Again -- Karma Returns The King as a Talking Black Dinosaur with Blonde Pompadour.” 
 
When you have that study, please forward a copy to me and better “CC” the Treasury. I wonder what we would have said if we knew about this $5 trillion “wild thing” two years ago?
 
My guess is that all rational parties state side would have amassed canned goods, gold, guns, ammo, and a very serious Pamela Anderson library. What a brave new world we live in now. Why has this nuclear debt-bomb hyperlinked into a classified ad which nobody reads in a newspaper nobody buys? Is this all because of craigslist? Are all the reporters gone?
 
Well, if you said Uncle Sam is good with it, you done good and you think right. You are real smart. Although even the Uncle may not eat it all, in which case, it’s all the same bud. Know what I mean? The regular old green Martians, once called banks and insurance companies, may catch a few of the bullets from the five trillion dollar talking black dinosaur, but if you don’t know whose balance sheet is what or where, then all is moving forward smartly and on schedule. I bet the stimulus works out real good too.
 
By the way, I have a picture of the yellow-red-blue Martians. The big surprise about them? They are very conservative investors. They took off for Pluto and report back an outstanding investment climate.  
 
I take special note that Goldman Sachs still works in the banking industry. Yet another positive sign of recovery. Do they get bonuses this year? Either way, Goldman still employs a banking-sector analyst. They are, after all, a big time operation. Geithner had to sign off on it.
 
That one analyst is overworked and has been increasing the final resting place of loan losses on our U.S.A. debt assets at $90 billion per month. No pens allowed in that department. Only a pencil works. And a brick-size eraser is a must have. That was made very clear in the interviewing process. I have seen a picture and the analyst keeps a power hand vac hanging on the wall in easy reach. A complete snob for a clean desk.   
 
Math is weird, and my statisticians say what we will finally see is that the $5 trillion of hybrid mortgage / credit card / no-personal-guarantee piece-of-shillelagh will collide with the abstract modern-art Goldman pencil drawings circa October 2011. Did I say October? Isn’t the fall always romantic with the tragic echoes of mortality and exuberant financial panic and unanswered loss of wealth?
 
Remember this if you are actively trading: Always always always wear the Mao jacket and use a Chinese accent or the market’s going to crash big time. Don’t screw it up for the rest of us. We have to be disciplined.
 
For further guidance, see Alice in Wonderland. She is very very hot right now. If you are interested, I may be able to get you in to her hedge fund. Write the check to Off-With-Your-Head Strategic Alternatives Fund – Attention: Mike’s Guaranteed Wood-Chip Feeder.  We will cut up your capital into little pieces and spread it out all over the pond. How nice of you to feed the ducks.
 
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Writer’s Note: Investors should immediately adopt old-school thinking. Go for cash, gold, and cartons of cigarettes. BUY: A five-year supply of camping equipment and survival food. BUY: The highest quality SCUBA gear for all family members. This is a must. We are totally backwards, completely upside down, and very much under water.  Consider: The wealthy individual should sign up for the quarterly catalogue on submarines. Financing options are available. Stay dry under water.
 
 
Signal Data Note for the Financial Crisis: Goldman projected losses on USA-originated debt assets at $1.2 trillion in March 2008. They updated the number to $2.1 trillion in January 2009. For your reference: Consider that 461 financial firms in the United States with $15 trillion of assets made a profit of $198 billion in 2006. It was a very good year. We destroy a very good year every 2.2 months. I’m beginning to sense a negative trend, but it’s not easy to see. What do you think?