Transcript of my interview with Al Gore.
Me: good afternoon Mr. Gore, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
AG: my pleasure.
Me: obviously I know of your passionate interest in global warming, but before we get into that I'd like to ask you about something else that involves computers and modeling, computer-driven predictions of voting results. Have you thought about what might have been wrong with the computer models that picked you as the winner of the 2000 presidential race?
AG: computer models are the best tool we have for making climate predictions. If only we had computers 200 years ago, we would not be in the mess we are in today. I invented the Internet as soon as I realized that we didn't have one.
Me: by mess, do you mean the global financial crisis?
AG: if you think that's a mess, you ain't seen nothing yet! Droughts, famines, a shortage of air conditioners, floods, basketball sized hail, billions of refugees, and winters colder than a witches tit. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Do you really want to live in a world without polar bears?
Me: interesting segue into polar bears. I watched a YouTube video the other day of a polar bear trying to eat a woman. I don't think she would have been heartbroken over one less polar bear.
AG: maybe you think this is funny, but global warming is the most serious threat to life on this planet that has ever existed. More serious than George Bush, Dick Cheney, and the Israeli government combined.
Me: hasn't the planet gotten warm before?
AG: I'm not talking warm, I'm talking hellfire hot here. I'm talking so hot you'll think you've moved closer to the sun. So hot you'll need Viagra and an ice bath just to get a morning hard-on.
Me: do you suppose for the benefit of the less educated listener, you could take a moment to explain global warming theory.
AG: it's not a God damned theory, it's a God damned fact! The theorizing is done, now it's time for action.
Me: and what action do you recommend?
AG: I don't recommend action, I demand it! It's time to shit or get off the pot. I only hope it's not too late.
Me: okay, what action do you demand?
AG: if only we had a time machine that could take us back to a time before it was too late. If only I hadn't kissed my wife Tipper on national TV!
Me: yeah, I don't think that warmed anything up. Anyway, I've got time for one last question. Is there any question about global warming that you will actually answer?
AG: my new book is full of answers, available as an electronic download on Amazon.com for $19.95. Or you can get an autographed copy for $9995, which barely covers the cost of having it shipped cross-country in a zero emissions electric truck. I practically had to build the damn thing myself.
Me: I wish I knew what to say. This has been an interview with Al Gore, former vice president and the man that computers predicted would win the 2000 presidential election.
Disclosure: long XOM, ERF, short STPB (save the polar bear).