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DEAR TIMMY

Dear Timmy Geithner:

I am writing to you today to request $500,000 from the TARP fund. After I explain the reasons for the request, I’m sure you will be kind enough to wire transfer the funds into my bank account immediately. I made $80,000 but decided a few years ago that I deserved to live in a $600,000 house. I know. How could I possibly make the mortgage payment and pay for food and clothing for my wife and three adorable rugrats on an $80,000 salary? I couldn’t. But that is where the story gets interesting. Your former boss Alan Greenspan recommended that I take out an adjustable mortgage. Everyone knows he wouldn’t steer anyone wrong. He is really really smart. This still wouldn’t do the trick, so my friendly neighborhood mortgage broker, Mo Rallybankrupt, found this super awesome mortgage for me. All I had to do was say my income was $150,000 per year and poof I qualified for this great loan. Not only that, I got a 2% rate for 2 years and get this, I had 3 payment options. Talk about flexibility. I chose the minimum payment option. And this is the best part. Since I only had $159 in my bank account, they arranged it so I borrowed 100% of the houses value. Very cool. 

My wife really likes nice stuff. The other people in our neighborhood have nice stuff. Every day we received awesome credit card offers from Capital One, Bank of America, Citicorp, and JP Morgan. We got them all. Can you believe we had a $20,000 limit on all 4 cards? With such a nice big new house we had to get really nice furniture. Luckily, Ethan Allen was offering no interest and no payments for 2 whole years. So, we went to town. Two years off is an eternity. I did notice that my Toyota Camry didn’t really seem appropriate for the neighborhood. I thought people might start to talk. Again, I hit the jackpot. Can you believe I was able to lease a Mercedes CLK 550 Convertible for only $399 a month. What a deal. I was so proud of myself. 

Living in this awesome neighborhood was great. We celebrated our good fortune by eating at really nice restaurants 3 to 4 times a week. They knew us by name. I felt really important. Some of the neighbors took some excellent vacations to Europe and the Carribean. We decided to top them by taking a two week trip on the Orient Express, visiting the Great Wall of China, and renting a beachhouse in the Hamptons for a week. Those credit cards sure came in handy.

Then my ungrateful homebuilder employer fired me for using 30 sick days last year. And the pain in the ass mortgage company keeps calling. I don’t understand how you could let them mislead me into that terrible mortgage. The loan is now $700,000 (I may have tapped a little equity) and my payment somehow jumped to $5,000 a month. I don’t have that kind of dough. Now Ethan Allen wants me to pay for the furniture. It’s not fair. The last straw was when the prick car dealership sent this big jerky guy with a tow truck to take my Mercedes. I loved that car. 

You can see that I’m in this predicament through no fault of my own. These things happen. If Goldman Sachs can get $12.9 billion, a mere $500,000 for a guy down on his luck shouldn’t be a problem. If you need any more details just call. Oh I forgot that … Verizon cut off my service. 

Sincerely,

Ima Scumbag